WOW!!!! jeez loueez it's been FOREVER since i've blogged here. i can't remember why i stopped; i think life just got so crazy preparing for the wedding and then after the wedding i've been VERY caught up in married life. i didn't really expect it to take me so long to get back into the swing of my normal life...or maybe i should more accurately say i didn't think it'd take so long for my new life to become normal to me. i LOVE being married, it truly is awesome! sure, it's rough and there are problems i didn't expect to encounter, but i wouldn't take our decision to marry back for anything. its so amazing how quickly your perspective changes when you make a binding vow before God...i really did not expect for that to change so quickly. its like, one minute joel is, of course, love of my life and best friend, but then after stating those vows before everyone, even though i'd said them a hundred times to myself and in my head, its like WHAM! our lives are cemented together by God. its awesome, if not a little freaky. i went through a major stage of jealousy after marriage, where anyone and everyone who was close to joel made me angry; i didn't expect that either and it took me a while to even figure it out and put a stop to it. it was like i wanted to have the ONLY claim on him and his love, wanted to be the ONLY person in his life who had any right to him. very odd.
marriage isn't easy all the time...there's a lot of choosing to love the other, a lot of times when love does not come naturally at all. and let me tell you, there is NO better way to exercise the 1st (or is it 2nd?) corinthians 13 love passage then to just find yourself a spouse! it's quite amazing how similar the relationships between my husband and my God are. don't misunderstand; God is obviously SOOOOOOO much bigger and...vastly different. but there's just a lot you can learn about serving God when learning to love your husband (or wife) unconditionally.
So there's a sampling of marriage for you :)
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Thursday, May 28, 2009
boredumb....
so....haven't blogged for a while.
and, actually, i don't really have that much to say, i just felt like i should say something to let
all my adoring fan know i'm still alive and well.
ten things about me (just cuz i'm bored) :
1. my favorite pizza is extra cheese and JUST pineapple
2. i wake up every morning and stretch my hands out in front of me, and still get so happy when
i see my promise/purity ring on my right hand, knowing i've kept the promise to GOD, and then i get bunches of butterflies in my tummy when i see my engagement ring on my left hand, even though i've been engaged for about five months now.
3. i have trouble sleeping all the time, until about 3 or 4 in the morning
4. i have trouble waking up in the morning until after around ten
5. my favorite time of 24 hours is midnight
6. i'm in a band called The Rising where i play keyboard, electric guitar and sing
7. i have always been severely attracted to french horn players (and i'm marrying one:)
8. my favorite cat in the world is a lynx point called Stella
9. i have 3 tattoos and plan to get more (beware! they are addicting)
10. i am addicted to Sims!
there. for everyone's entertainment. woot.
peace
and, actually, i don't really have that much to say, i just felt like i should say something to let
all my adoring fan know i'm still alive and well.
ten things about me (just cuz i'm bored) :
1. my favorite pizza is extra cheese and JUST pineapple
2. i wake up every morning and stretch my hands out in front of me, and still get so happy when
i see my promise/purity ring on my right hand, knowing i've kept the promise to GOD, and then i get bunches of butterflies in my tummy when i see my engagement ring on my left hand, even though i've been engaged for about five months now.
3. i have trouble sleeping all the time, until about 3 or 4 in the morning
4. i have trouble waking up in the morning until after around ten
5. my favorite time of 24 hours is midnight
6. i'm in a band called The Rising where i play keyboard, electric guitar and sing
7. i have always been severely attracted to french horn players (and i'm marrying one:)
8. my favorite cat in the world is a lynx point called Stella
9. i have 3 tattoos and plan to get more (beware! they are addicting)
10. i am addicted to Sims!
there. for everyone's entertainment. woot.
peace
Saturday, March 7, 2009
heavenly colors? or is there just something severely wrong with my brain?
OK, i'm going try to explain this thing that's been with me ever since i can remember, and hopefully i'll do a good enough job that people at least get the gist of what i'm trying to say.
Ever since i can remember, i've been able to feel in color. this is a concept many people don'tunderstand, so i'll try to explain it. Think, if you will, about the best feeling you've ever had; now try to remember how exactly that felt, go back to that spot and try to grasp everything about it; sight, smell, sensations, thought, all of those things. Now, when i do this excersize, the dominant way i can identify those feelings is through color. My feelings, my emotions - that is, happy, sad, angry, etc. - are defined by colors. This doesn't always mean that i see a color when i feel a particular emotion, it means that i feel the color, and through the color am able to feel the emotion it represents to me. I think that the best way to explain this to other people who are not this way is to tell you to think of expressions like, "He was so angry he saw red" or "She was green with envy" or even "I'm feeling really blue today." If you think about it, many people do associate colors with emotions, but for most people, they see a color which makes them feel a certain way; red equals anger, blue equals sad, that sort of thing. Where as with me, colors don't effect my mood, they define it. The colors i see around me mean nothing more then colors and cannot alter my mood whatsoever. I feel the colors that match the emotion i am currently in. If i can correctly identify the color that i'm feeling inside of me, then i will be able to lable the emotion much better. Now, sometimes if the emotion is a particularly strong one, i will be able to actually see it in my head, and if it's a manic emotion, it'll even taint my vision, like in the expression above about being so angry that you see red, and I have heard people say that they have gotten so angry that thier vision takes on a red haze. That's how it is for me at certain times, only with any color. Hopefully you're not confused as of yet, because it's about to become much more confusing, and there will probably be people who don't even believewhat i'm saying. Be that as it may, i feel like i should write it out anyway, just for those who believe that there is a higher power which can never be explained by science. (I am not necisarrily saying that this odd condition i live in can't be explained by science; i have never studied the brain to know if it is a rare or even never-been-heard-of occurance, i've just never met anyone else who thought that this was something explainable using medical or any other style of science). Think again for a moment about emotions, but this time try to remember a time where you couldn't even put what you were feeling into words. Perhaps a grief so strong and accompanied by other emotions as well, that grief really just didn't do the feeling justice. Or maybe, as i have felt on a few rare occasions, you've experienced an emotion that, no matter how hard and longyou searched for a title, you came up black thinking of what to call it. You perhaps couldn't communicate this feeling to anyone, because you'd never experienced it before, much like the first time a child experiences things like jealousy or a young teenager experiences their first crush; something completely and utterly new to you, something you simply cannot define. While most of the time, we have older, wiser people who can help us in defining these newemotions, there are times that emotions simply cannot be put into words, for many people anyway. I have no doubt that there are people who never experienced anything like this, and that's fine, in fact, i envy them. But coming back to my "condition". The reason i had you think about undefinable emotions, was because on a few occasions of my life i have had those experiences where i just could not define the emotion i was feeling. During these times, the color is the same; undefinable. In other words, the color i see or feel when i'm experiencing emotions such as those are a different color then the ones the make up the world around us. People have said before that, in another world or planet, or, if you believe in God, heaven will have new colors that human eyes have never seen. All the colors we've ever seen are from the three original primary colors; blue, yellow, and green. Apart from the colors that stem from these, you cannot imagine any other colors. But i have seen some inside my head and/or heart when feeling an emotion that is strong and undefinable. People who i've told this to have asked me to describe these colors, but it's something that's nearly impossible. Howwould you describe the color red to a blind person who has never seen color in his life? I can't put abnormal colors into words, because they can't compare with the rest of the
colors in this world.
(A thought occured to me while i was telling my friend Nick about this; i am an extremely judgmental person, and i am very ashamed of it. while i was telling him, i was very self-conscious about it, thinking he wouldn't believe me. i said, "i know it sounds far-fetched, but please believe me!" and he replied, "Why wouldn't i believe you?" the answer, once i was honest with myself, was that if i didn't have this thing, and someone else told me that they did have it, then i would not believe them. i would probably think they were making it up for attention. but how can i think that about people when i know this to be true about myself? )
Ever since i can remember, i've been able to feel in color. this is a concept many people don'tunderstand, so i'll try to explain it. Think, if you will, about the best feeling you've ever had; now try to remember how exactly that felt, go back to that spot and try to grasp everything about it; sight, smell, sensations, thought, all of those things. Now, when i do this excersize, the dominant way i can identify those feelings is through color. My feelings, my emotions - that is, happy, sad, angry, etc. - are defined by colors. This doesn't always mean that i see a color when i feel a particular emotion, it means that i feel the color, and through the color am able to feel the emotion it represents to me. I think that the best way to explain this to other people who are not this way is to tell you to think of expressions like, "He was so angry he saw red" or "She was green with envy" or even "I'm feeling really blue today." If you think about it, many people do associate colors with emotions, but for most people, they see a color which makes them feel a certain way; red equals anger, blue equals sad, that sort of thing. Where as with me, colors don't effect my mood, they define it. The colors i see around me mean nothing more then colors and cannot alter my mood whatsoever. I feel the colors that match the emotion i am currently in. If i can correctly identify the color that i'm feeling inside of me, then i will be able to lable the emotion much better. Now, sometimes if the emotion is a particularly strong one, i will be able to actually see it in my head, and if it's a manic emotion, it'll even taint my vision, like in the expression above about being so angry that you see red, and I have heard people say that they have gotten so angry that thier vision takes on a red haze. That's how it is for me at certain times, only with any color. Hopefully you're not confused as of yet, because it's about to become much more confusing, and there will probably be people who don't even believewhat i'm saying. Be that as it may, i feel like i should write it out anyway, just for those who believe that there is a higher power which can never be explained by science. (I am not necisarrily saying that this odd condition i live in can't be explained by science; i have never studied the brain to know if it is a rare or even never-been-heard-of occurance, i've just never met anyone else who thought that this was something explainable using medical or any other style of science). Think again for a moment about emotions, but this time try to remember a time where you couldn't even put what you were feeling into words. Perhaps a grief so strong and accompanied by other emotions as well, that grief really just didn't do the feeling justice. Or maybe, as i have felt on a few rare occasions, you've experienced an emotion that, no matter how hard and longyou searched for a title, you came up black thinking of what to call it. You perhaps couldn't communicate this feeling to anyone, because you'd never experienced it before, much like the first time a child experiences things like jealousy or a young teenager experiences their first crush; something completely and utterly new to you, something you simply cannot define. While most of the time, we have older, wiser people who can help us in defining these newemotions, there are times that emotions simply cannot be put into words, for many people anyway. I have no doubt that there are people who never experienced anything like this, and that's fine, in fact, i envy them. But coming back to my "condition". The reason i had you think about undefinable emotions, was because on a few occasions of my life i have had those experiences where i just could not define the emotion i was feeling. During these times, the color is the same; undefinable. In other words, the color i see or feel when i'm experiencing emotions such as those are a different color then the ones the make up the world around us. People have said before that, in another world or planet, or, if you believe in God, heaven will have new colors that human eyes have never seen. All the colors we've ever seen are from the three original primary colors; blue, yellow, and green. Apart from the colors that stem from these, you cannot imagine any other colors. But i have seen some inside my head and/or heart when feeling an emotion that is strong and undefinable. People who i've told this to have asked me to describe these colors, but it's something that's nearly impossible. Howwould you describe the color red to a blind person who has never seen color in his life? I can't put abnormal colors into words, because they can't compare with the rest of the
colors in this world.
(A thought occured to me while i was telling my friend Nick about this; i am an extremely judgmental person, and i am very ashamed of it. while i was telling him, i was very self-conscious about it, thinking he wouldn't believe me. i said, "i know it sounds far-fetched, but please believe me!" and he replied, "Why wouldn't i believe you?" the answer, once i was honest with myself, was that if i didn't have this thing, and someone else told me that they did have it, then i would not believe them. i would probably think they were making it up for attention. but how can i think that about people when i know this to be true about myself? )
Saturday, February 14, 2009
solitaire epiphany
so last night i was playing a game of spider solitaire, on intermediate (2 suites), and i really couldn't beat the stupid thing. "no more moves, game over" kept popping onto the screen at which point i could either click "end game" and give up, or "return and try again". for some reason, which i still don't know, i could not give the stupid game up. i kept going back, retracing my steps, and making changes i thought would help. honestly, the one game took me two hours to beat, and i went back to the beginning at least a dozen times. it actually got to a point, after i'd been working on it for like and hour and a half, that i was so frustrated i started crying, and kept saying "there has to be a way to beat this, there's always a way, there has to be a way i can make this work!" it was pretty ridiculous. this seems silly to me, because i usually don't get so dramatic about a stupid game. when i finally beat it i was SO relieved.
after that was all done, i started thinking about how often people say "man, if i could only go back and do that over, things would be so much better now!" we all think that if we went back to a certain mistake and fixed it, things would be so much better. but in reality, would they? if we're not strong enough to make things right in the first place, why do we think we could go back and make it right a second time? chances are we'd screw things up again, just in a different way. we lean on our own strength and our own understanding to try to make our lives good, even as christians. and if we could go back and change things, what would we learn? maybe our mistakes are the things that shape our future; after all, without them we would have nothing to learn, and nowhere to grow from.
after that was all done, i started thinking about how often people say "man, if i could only go back and do that over, things would be so much better now!" we all think that if we went back to a certain mistake and fixed it, things would be so much better. but in reality, would they? if we're not strong enough to make things right in the first place, why do we think we could go back and make it right a second time? chances are we'd screw things up again, just in a different way. we lean on our own strength and our own understanding to try to make our lives good, even as christians. and if we could go back and change things, what would we learn? maybe our mistakes are the things that shape our future; after all, without them we would have nothing to learn, and nowhere to grow from.
Monday, February 9, 2009
tired
if i have one more of these nightmares, i'm officially flying to north carolina and tying joe corica up so that he canNOT go to iraq! every night this month, i've had a dream he dies, or gets seriously injured, and it's driving me crazy!
i need lots of prayer on this! if you pray, please pray for me! joe is like, one of my bestest friends, he's truly like my older brother. i am going to be totally distraught if anything happens. and also, my fiance doesn't like joe, so i'm constantly getting angry at him for that. i don't understand how he can dislike someone he's only met once, and for about two minutes. guys are so weird....is it jealousy? that would be dumb, because joe is one of the only guy friends i have that i have never ever EVER had a crush on, or anything close. it would truly be as gross as dating a brother or a cousin to date joe.
if you're a guy....have any idea's about it?
i need lots of prayer on this! if you pray, please pray for me! joe is like, one of my bestest friends, he's truly like my older brother. i am going to be totally distraught if anything happens. and also, my fiance doesn't like joe, so i'm constantly getting angry at him for that. i don't understand how he can dislike someone he's only met once, and for about two minutes. guys are so weird....is it jealousy? that would be dumb, because joe is one of the only guy friends i have that i have never ever EVER had a crush on, or anything close. it would truly be as gross as dating a brother or a cousin to date joe.
if you're a guy....have any idea's about it?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
NO BRIDE-ZILLA!
wedding plans! they are fun and fabulous, but it's sooo hard not to go crazy with control. i'm not even a "have to be in control all the time" kind of person, and it's still hard not to let the fact that this is "my" day and i get to have every little thing the way i want it go to my head.
focusing WAY hard on the fact that it's truly not the wedding that matters at all, but the marriage. PRAYING that God will help me in that area - i'm a little nervous about that part. the whole submission thing isn't one of my great strengths. needing lot's of prayer from everyone - my grip is already loosening on the idea that i wanted to be a calm, non-stressed out bride, and the wedding is still like ten months away. there are so many details that i don't really care about, like cakes and toppers and this tiny thing or that little bit...but everyone asks my opinion, and it just doesn't feel right to say "i really don't care". there's no way i would elope, but i definitely see the appeal in it.
God, help me not to be a bride-zilla!
focusing WAY hard on the fact that it's truly not the wedding that matters at all, but the marriage. PRAYING that God will help me in that area - i'm a little nervous about that part. the whole submission thing isn't one of my great strengths. needing lot's of prayer from everyone - my grip is already loosening on the idea that i wanted to be a calm, non-stressed out bride, and the wedding is still like ten months away. there are so many details that i don't really care about, like cakes and toppers and this tiny thing or that little bit...but everyone asks my opinion, and it just doesn't feel right to say "i really don't care". there's no way i would elope, but i definitely see the appeal in it.
God, help me not to be a bride-zilla!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
one of those days.
ever have one of those days when you keep having really good amazing revelutionary thoughts, but every time you try and say one or write one down your brain is incapacitated by some sort of sudden spasm that just seems to block everything out, and so instead of saying something cool and awesome, you say something like "i can't believe a sunny is kills all da mouses."
it's been one of those days.
it's been one of those days.
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