solitaire epiphany

so last night i was playing a game of spider solitaire, on intermediate (2 suites), and i really couldn't beat the stupid thing. "no more moves, game over" kept popping onto the screen at which point i could either click "end game" and give up, or "return and try again". for some reason, which i still don't know, i could not give the stupid game up. i kept going back, retracing my steps, and making changes i thought would help. honestly, the one game took me two hours to beat, and i went back to the beginning at least a dozen times. it actually got to a point, after i'd been working on it for like and hour and a half, that i was so frustrated i started crying, and kept saying "there has to be a way to beat this, there's always a way, there has to be a way i can make this work!" it was pretty ridiculous. this seems silly to me, because i usually don't get so dramatic about a stupid game. when i finally beat it i was SO relieved.

after that was all done, i started thinking about how often people say "man, if i could only go back and do that over, things would be so much better now!" we all think that if we went back to a certain mistake and fixed it, things would be so much better. but in reality, would they? if we're not strong enough to make things right in the first place, why do we think we could go back and make it right a second time? chances are we'd screw things up again, just in a different way. we lean on our own strength and our own understanding to try to make our lives good, even as christians. and if we could go back and change things, what would we learn? maybe our mistakes are the things that shape our future; after all, without them we would have nothing to learn, and nowhere to grow from.

tired

if i have one more of these nightmares, i'm officially flying to north carolina and tying joe corica up so that he canNOT go to iraq! every night this month, i've had a dream he dies, or gets seriously injured, and it's driving me crazy!
i need lots of prayer on this! if you pray, please pray for me! joe is like, one of my bestest friends, he's truly like my older brother. i am going to be totally distraught if anything happens. and also, my fiance doesn't like joe, so i'm constantly getting angry at him for that. i don't understand how he can dislike someone he's only met once, and for about two minutes. guys are so weird....is it jealousy? that would be dumb, because joe is one of the only guy friends i have that i have never ever EVER had a crush on, or anything close. it would truly be as gross as dating a brother or a cousin to date joe.
if you're a guy....have any idea's about it?

NO BRIDE-ZILLA!

wedding plans! they are fun and fabulous, but it's sooo hard not to go crazy with control. i'm not even a "have to be in control all the time" kind of person, and it's still hard not to let the fact that this is "my" day and i get to have every little thing the way i want it go to my head.

focusing WAY hard on the fact that it's truly not the wedding that matters at all, but the marriage. PRAYING that God will help me in that area - i'm a little nervous about that part. the whole submission thing isn't one of my great strengths. needing lot's of prayer from everyone - my grip is already loosening on the idea that i wanted to be a calm, non-stressed out bride, and the wedding is still like ten months away. there are so many details that i don't really care about, like cakes and toppers and this tiny thing or that little bit...but everyone asks my opinion, and it just doesn't feel right to say "i really don't care". there's no way i would elope, but i definitely see the appeal in it.

God, help me not to be a bride-zilla!